"Happy Weight" Is Kind Of Depressing

Yes, I know I already blogged this morning. You get a bonus today. Don't get used to it.

I am happy. 
My hubby is home from deployment, we have family time, and I'm happy.
I can tell, 'cause...yeah. I can just tell. 

There's a thing called "happy weight".  When you're really happy and content, you tend to put on a few pounds.  Now I am an emotional eater, so I eat when I'm happy. Or sad. Or depressed. Or angry. Or bored. Or it's a day that ends in "y".  But I digress.

See, when Mike is deployed, I tend to lose weight.  I work hard, eat right, track every morsel I put in my mouth, exercise regularly, and basically do everything in my power to "WOW" him when he comes back home to me.  I really focus on the goal. I lost 50 lbs during his last deployment. 

Then, he's home.  I'm making his favorite foods, we're hanging out together, we're having fun.  I'm not paying attention to the scale, or noticing when my jeans start to get a little snugger.  When I do notice, I ALWAYS blame the dryer...this is a rule. It is always the dryer's fault.

He doesn't care, I know he doesn't.  Sad thing is, I don't, either.  I really don't.  As long as I'm healthy and feeling good and know that I'm eating the right foods (even if I eat a smidge too much here and here), I really don't care about my weight very much.

Until...

Well, I don't spend a lot of time in front of a mirror.  I don't have time, first of all, and second I'm just not all that interested in it.  So sometimes I see a picture of myself and think "wait, do I LOOK LIKE THAT?!"  Because that's not how I remember myself. 

  A few weeks ago, we had some family pictures taken by a local Army wife whose building up her photography business.  I just got the disk yesterday and I have to say, she did beautiful work.  Here's a sampling:

My reaction to these pics went like this:
1) wow, those are really nice shots, I love the way she played with the light
2) I have some VERY handsome fellas in my life!
3) Gosh, I am so glad both my boys have buzz cuts now
4) Man, I am really crazy about Mike, and I think it shows

5) OMG DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT??!!!!!!!

To my credit, at least it wasn't my very first thought.  But it's there.  And now I'm thinking about my weight again.  I'm back to wondering if my top is too tight.  If my butt looks big in those jeans (though, hubby likes the butt, so that makes me feel a little better lol).  If people are looking at me going "man, she used to look so good".  See, over the past year or so, friends and people at church have told me how great I look, how they can really see that I'm losing weight, that I'm "wasting away to nothing" (that's my favorite, since I haven't been anywhere near my ideal weight since 2006, but it was fun to hear that).  So now what are they thinking?  And why do I care?

Does it matter if I have a little extra pudge here and there, if my doctor says I'm healthy and I feel good and know I'm doing the right things?  Does the number on the tag matter if my husband thinks I'm beautiful and sexy?  Does other people's opinions of my weight matter, as long as I know who I am and that I'm a beautiful person on the inside and a child of God?

It shouldn't.  The size of my heart, the size of my smile, the size of my sense of humor, the size of my personality - those should all matter more than the size of my rear end. 

I have so many amazing things in my life to focus on.  I have joy, love, friendship, fun.  Those are all better than worrying about whether or not I have a muffin top.  There are people who need me to be there for them, to be a friend, a teacher, a mom, a wife.  That's where my focus needs to be. 

I know me. If I spend my time focusing on the weight I've gained, I'm going to beat myself up for letting all that hard work go to waste.  I'll start the negative self-talk, and then I'll emotionally eat.  And I'll be depressed, and angry with myself, and then I'll be crabby with the people who need me.  Who does that help?

I'm not giving myself permission to eat a lot of junk, to sit around and watch TV all day, or to just completely give up.  Being healthy is very important to me, a lot of junk food makes me feel terrible, and sitting around all day is BORING.  I know that I need more veggies and less chocolate.  I know I should take more walks.  I know that having a milkshake for dinner needs to be a rare treat, not a regular dietary choice.

But today I am choosing to accept my "happy weight" - and to be grateful that my husband is home safe, to be in the moment and focus on the things that really matter, and to be thankful that I'm in such a wonderful place in my life to have the problem of "happy weight".