"Happy Weight" Is Kind Of Depressing

Yes, I know I already blogged this morning. You get a bonus today. Don't get used to it.

I am happy. 
My hubby is home from deployment, we have family time, and I'm happy.
I can tell, 'cause...yeah. I can just tell. 

There's a thing called "happy weight".  When you're really happy and content, you tend to put on a few pounds.  Now I am an emotional eater, so I eat when I'm happy. Or sad. Or depressed. Or angry. Or bored. Or it's a day that ends in "y".  But I digress.

See, when Mike is deployed, I tend to lose weight.  I work hard, eat right, track every morsel I put in my mouth, exercise regularly, and basically do everything in my power to "WOW" him when he comes back home to me.  I really focus on the goal. I lost 50 lbs during his last deployment. 

Then, he's home.  I'm making his favorite foods, we're hanging out together, we're having fun.  I'm not paying attention to the scale, or noticing when my jeans start to get a little snugger.  When I do notice, I ALWAYS blame the dryer...this is a rule. It is always the dryer's fault.

He doesn't care, I know he doesn't.  Sad thing is, I don't, either.  I really don't.  As long as I'm healthy and feeling good and know that I'm eating the right foods (even if I eat a smidge too much here and here), I really don't care about my weight very much.

Until...

Well, I don't spend a lot of time in front of a mirror.  I don't have time, first of all, and second I'm just not all that interested in it.  So sometimes I see a picture of myself and think "wait, do I LOOK LIKE THAT?!"  Because that's not how I remember myself. 

  A few weeks ago, we had some family pictures taken by a local Army wife whose building up her photography business.  I just got the disk yesterday and I have to say, she did beautiful work.  Here's a sampling:

My reaction to these pics went like this:
1) wow, those are really nice shots, I love the way she played with the light
2) I have some VERY handsome fellas in my life!
3) Gosh, I am so glad both my boys have buzz cuts now
4) Man, I am really crazy about Mike, and I think it shows

5) OMG DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT??!!!!!!!

To my credit, at least it wasn't my very first thought.  But it's there.  And now I'm thinking about my weight again.  I'm back to wondering if my top is too tight.  If my butt looks big in those jeans (though, hubby likes the butt, so that makes me feel a little better lol).  If people are looking at me going "man, she used to look so good".  See, over the past year or so, friends and people at church have told me how great I look, how they can really see that I'm losing weight, that I'm "wasting away to nothing" (that's my favorite, since I haven't been anywhere near my ideal weight since 2006, but it was fun to hear that).  So now what are they thinking?  And why do I care?

Does it matter if I have a little extra pudge here and there, if my doctor says I'm healthy and I feel good and know I'm doing the right things?  Does the number on the tag matter if my husband thinks I'm beautiful and sexy?  Does other people's opinions of my weight matter, as long as I know who I am and that I'm a beautiful person on the inside and a child of God?

It shouldn't.  The size of my heart, the size of my smile, the size of my sense of humor, the size of my personality - those should all matter more than the size of my rear end. 

I have so many amazing things in my life to focus on.  I have joy, love, friendship, fun.  Those are all better than worrying about whether or not I have a muffin top.  There are people who need me to be there for them, to be a friend, a teacher, a mom, a wife.  That's where my focus needs to be. 

I know me. If I spend my time focusing on the weight I've gained, I'm going to beat myself up for letting all that hard work go to waste.  I'll start the negative self-talk, and then I'll emotionally eat.  And I'll be depressed, and angry with myself, and then I'll be crabby with the people who need me.  Who does that help?

I'm not giving myself permission to eat a lot of junk, to sit around and watch TV all day, or to just completely give up.  Being healthy is very important to me, a lot of junk food makes me feel terrible, and sitting around all day is BORING.  I know that I need more veggies and less chocolate.  I know I should take more walks.  I know that having a milkshake for dinner needs to be a rare treat, not a regular dietary choice.

But today I am choosing to accept my "happy weight" - and to be grateful that my husband is home safe, to be in the moment and focus on the things that really matter, and to be thankful that I'm in such a wonderful place in my life to have the problem of "happy weight".

Ahhhh, gotta love summer!

Ahhhhhh summertime.  Evening thunderstorms, day trips to the beach (complete with jellyfish stings), visits from loved ones, blockbuster movies, and about 100 other reasons to completely ignore one's blog.  :)

So what have we been up to? My family has been REALLY busy since school let out, as are most other families, I'm sure.  So far it's been a terrific summer for us (even with my 12 year old finding the business end of a jellyfish), full of fun times with friends and family. The busyness is not going to let up any time soon, as my boys are getting ready to leave for Scout camp and I will start a new (full time) babysitting job next week.  And I've only got a little over a month before I have to start thinking about school again - Nathan will be going back to his public school, I will return to my online college and will be homeschooling Noah (I sure hope I can remember 8th grade math)!  I wanted to touch base here though and update a few things.

Sadly, after a lot of prayer and tears, we had to surrender my Altman bulldog, Petey.  He was too much for our family, and too rough on my boys.  It was hard to let him go, but probably easier than getting rid of the children.  I do not consider animals to be disposable, and I do not take letting animals go lightly, so this was a very difficult decision for me. I did face some criticism from people who don't even know me, those who DO know me know it broke my heart. 

In other news, I have been letting my kids "cheat" and have gluten-based products this month.  It's an interesting experiment, and a sort of necessary one since with camp and such it's difficult to monitor or control everything they eat.  Obviously if they had celiac I would be far more strict, but they don't and it's been a personal choice to go gluten-free and try to take them off meds or at least reduce them.  In Nathan, I've seen more "hyperness" but not really any other changes.  In Noah, I can't really describe what I've seen other than to say that he seems "more autistic" than he does when he sticks to the plan.  Also, it's worth noting that he has mentioned several times "not feeling well" after eating things off his diet.  So if this experiment has shown me anything, it's that going gluten-free was a good choice for my family.  When they return from camp, we'll be going back to it completely.  In the meantime, I've chosen to remain GF except for rare exceptions.  This is because it's just not really worth it to me to feel lousy and be in pain for a couple of days when I have other options.   In that same vein, I'm excited to try out a bunch of new recipes and products. As always, I'm happy to share what I like, so be on the look out!

I've stopped going to physical therapy for my shoulder.  We'd gone as far as we could with it, and all the exercises I was doing I could do at home.  It's really just about pain management at this point, since the ortho has no intention of fixing it and I'm honestly too busy to seek out a second opinion.  However, I have STARTED going to physical therapy (the same dr) for my neck.  It was injured at the same time as my shoulder (back in October 2010), but I could never get anyone to do anything about it til now.  Some of the problem is irreparable (it's very very straight, no curve), but we are working on stretching and strengthening the muscles and that will hopefully reduce the pain, stiffness, and limited mobility that I've been living with.

Ohhhh, there are probably a dozen other things I could write about. I should really start keeping a notepad handy for when I have the the thought "I should blog this!" because right now I can't remember any of them! This is already pretty long though, and I really SHOULD be packing my kids' clothes, so I'll end this now and promise to NOT wait another month before I blog again. :)

It's Mother's Day! You matter!

Today is Mother's Day, a bittersweet day for some of us.  So many of us have lost our mothers too soon, or have difficult relationships with them. Some have been abused, neglected or abandoned by the woman who was supposed to love us most, some of us never even knew her.  Some of us are mothers who've lost children, or had them taken from us. Some of us have longed to have a child.

Yes, today can be a tough day for some of us, but I am praying blessings over us all.  Every woman can make a difference in someone else's life, every one of us can show love, nurture, teach and support younger people and be like a mom to them.  And I hope that all of us have someone in our lives that we can look up to a depend on, whether or not she is the woman who gave birth to us.

I know I am very richly blessed with three amazing stepdaughters (who have all grown into wonderful young women, and one of whom is now a terrific mom in her own right), and two precious little boys who are becoming young men faster than I would like.  I am also blessed with a lot of God-given "like-a-mom" ladies in my life who fill a void that I spent a long time denying was there.  I am so thankful for all of them, and also for a husband who appreciates me and friends that take time to bless me and make me feel special when I'm having trouble remembering that I matter.

So I want to say something to every woman reading this right now - YOU MATTER.  Whether or not you have a relationship with your mother, you matter.  Whether or not you have children of your own, you matter.  Whether or not you have someone in your life to make you feel loved and appreciated and important, you matter.  You matter to God, and you matter to me.  I hope you'll reach out to others, make a difference in their lives, and let them know that they matter, too.

Any men who might be reading this - celebrate the ladies in your life.  Show them that you appreciate them and love them...because sometimes we forget.

Be blessed today, and take any opportunity you can find to bless others.  It will matter.

Thankful Thursday - Tornadoes

Today's thankful Thursday has a slightly somber feel.  Today I am thankful for my family's health and safety, but I cannot forget that SO many others are not as fortunate. Last night a history-making outbreak of tornadoes ripped across 5 states leaving behind a vast sea of devastation and death.  Right now the body count is about 280, but that is almost certain to rise. The clean-up and rebuilding is going to cost more money than I can fathom, and require a lot of people working together.
I am thankful that we have agencies that are already at work in helping the victims and that we are blessed to be in a country that has the resources to respond quickly to emergencies.  I'm thankful that every American citizen can do SOMETHING to help and not have to just watch the footage and feel helpless.  If we're close enough, we can lend a hand, give of our time and talents.  If we're too far away, we can contribute monetarily and/or send supplies.  And I'm thankful for the American spirit of unity that can put all bias and prejudice aside in times like this and simply reach out brother to brother.  I'm so grateful for this amazing country we have, and the citizens that make it something special.
My heart goes out to all the victims and their families, my prayers are with those who were affected by these storms (tornadoes, flooding, etc), and my hope is that we will all find some way - large or small - to be a part of the solution and bless others.

Thankful Thursday Thoughts

I've decided I want to take my blog in a new direction. Oh, it's still about our new healthy and gluten-free journey, and I'll still post recipes when I find some (or make some up), but I have personal things I want to share, too.  And since it's my blog, I guess I can do whatever I want with it. ;-)

So today I want to share "Thankful Thursday" thoughts.  Last week, I was teaching my church girls (I'm a Missionettes leader) about gratitude, and about how we need to be thankful in ALL things, even when things seem bad.  Because even in the worst storm, there's always something to appreciate.  It's so easy to get bogged down in what's WRONG, that we very often overlook (or take for granted) what's RIGHT.  Our finances might be a mess, but there's food on the table every night, a roof over our heads, and laughter filling my home - so I'm blessed even when I don't know how we're going to make ends meet.  We will, somehow, I trust God to provide, and when things seem bleak, I'm learning to focus on what's GOOD.

I have amazing friends.  It seems like every time I turn around, I'm in a "club" (not a real club, but a group of ladies with a silly name who love each other and are there for each other no matter what) - I know even when I feel lonely, that all I have to do is call on my GodsGals, my CMOBsters, my God-DIVAS, my SistaChicks, or my Tres Dias sisters, and I'm gonna be okay. I have a great earthly BFF Dawn, and not to mention my heavenly best friend Jesus who will always be there for me. I have my incredible church family and the most amazing pastor I've ever met that I can count on, and a wonderful family (some by birth/marriage) that is going to love me no matter what.  Not to mention some pretty terrific kids and the world's most adorable grandson.  So HOW can I feel sorry for myself?! 

I'm also SO thankful for this new journey, this wonderful adventure of this year.  I'm seeing so many results and learning so much, and it's just FUN.  Now sometimes it feels like a roller coaster ride (and those who know me know how I feel about THOSE), but I kinda like not quite knowing which way it's gonna turn next, while still feeling safe and secure whichever way we go.  This is an exciting new way of life for us, with many ups and downs, but SO many great stories to tell along the way.  I'm thankful for the support, the knowledge, and the changes so far. I'm grateful that my family is with me all the way, and that they're feeling the difference too. 

I'm thankful for so many things, more than I could list here.  But I'm going to try, every week, to show my gratitude for my blessings, and hopefully I'll inspire others to look at the good things in their lives as well.

Recovery, it's not for wimps!

So I'm 3 days post-op now and in my imagination I'd be be-bopping through my house by now, cleaning up after the boys and the dogs and feeling fine.  It didn't exactly work out that way, as I'm sitting here in my recliner with a cool rice bag on my tummy while my family is at church without me. *sigh*  BUT I am doing better and I am getting around a bit quicker.  The little travel pillow the hospital gave me for when I have to move around has been my best friend these last few days (sorry Dawn!), followed closely by the very nice medications they prescribed me.  However I've found that the medicine works best if you take it exactly when it's time for the next dose, whether or not you think the pain is bad enough for another one.  Because by the time it is, it's too late. Oops.
Needless to say, I am sooooo not cooking right now.  I did manage to verbally teach my hubby to make my oatmeal the other day so he could bring me a bowl.  He did well!! Thursday and Friday I was thanking God that they make GF tv dinners - obviously still not the healthiest or cleanest choice, but better than nothing for my fellas while Mom was down in bed.  Last night a friend from church brought us a delicious meal, and my neighbor is making is something tonight.  Yay for not starving!! I'm slowly getting my appetite back...I didn't eat for 3 days, but this isn't a weight loss plan I recommend.
I do hope to be back on my feet again very soon.  My house is in serious need of "Mom's touch", I'm babysitting a 2 year old tomorrow AND I'm being visited by a long-time online friend whom I've never met in person.  Now I know she won't care about my house, but *I* care.  I just weirdly expected the pain to be all gone by now and my strength to have returned.  Overly optimistic? Perhaps, LOL  But I'm expecting good things, and that's a more fun way to live than to always wait for the negative, right?

Bein' Real

Sometimes positivity is hard.  It doesn't mean it's not worth it, but sometimes it's much more difficult than other times.  My family has been facing a lot of challenges, most of them health-related.  Those issues are what has prompted me to change our diet and way of life.  I am a firm believer that a positive attitude, a lot of faith, and good, real food will absolutely have an excellent impact on all of us.  But it gets difficult sometimes.

Two weeks into the GF diet, I've gotten frustrated more than a few times. The food is expensive, some of it is just nasty, eating other places is tricky (twice someone has fed my son something they know he cannot have, because they figured it wasn't a big deal), and I've eaten a few things without realizing they had gluten in them until later.  Also, I haven't noticed a big wonderful difference yet, and while I can say all day long that I didn't expect instant results, in reality of course I did. In fact, both of my boys have had issues just this week with their health as well. I've had almost daily headaches (though that could actually still be my concussion).  So it's frustrating and annoying and a little discouraging.  But this is where I stand firm, stick to what I know is true, and try to focus on the positives.  Life is NOT all just roses and sunshine, but even on cloudy days, we have to look for the rays of sunlight to help us through.

Rays of sunlight that keep me going are little things that just mean so much.  This weekend we went to the 2nd birthday party for the little guy I babysit. I didn't expect to stay for cake, and had already told my boys they probably couldn't eat much at the party.  But the mom had actually gone out of her way to prepare an almost all gluten-free spread AND made a special cake to accommodate everyone's allergies (it was soy-free, gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free...I will never know how she did it. Also, it tasted good, lol).  I was amazed that she cared enough to do that, and it gave me a little push to keep going when I was feeling down.

I discovered that Noah LOVES my kombucha, and both my boys are becoming way more open to trying new foods than they used to be.  So that really feels good to me, because I honestly thought Nathan was going to be impossible.

Today is my husband's birthday, and I made him brunch including GF Bisquick pancakes.  They were GOOD, and he said he didn't even notice a difference!  That made me smile, and made me feel like we CAN do this.  Tonight we're going to Outback for dinner - we have a gift certificate AND they have a gluten-free menu :) 

My next adventure is probably going to be freezer cooking.  I may have 1-3 surgeries coming up within the next few months and I need to make sure my family is cared for.  I know some friends will help, but they can't fully support us - and my husband has many talents, but cooking is not one of them LOL  So I will need to find good meal recipes that will keep well and heat nicely.  Whatever I find, I will of course share with you all!

What keeps YOU going when you feel like giving in?


Bisquick Pancake and Baking Mix, Gluten-Free, 16-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 3)