9/11 Post

It seems almost obligatory...if you have a blog, you pretty much have to post about 9/11 on the 10 year anniversary.  I get it.  We can never forget, should never forget, MUST never forget.  I know I never will, I still cry every single time I think about that day.

While I've spent a lot of today thinking about that day, I realize that I actually thought about TODAY, 10 years ago.  I did.  Amidst all the horror and fear and confusion, I remember asking myself what our nation (and world) would be like in 10 years.  Would we find those responsible quickly? Would we have achieved a sense of peace and security again? Would we even still exist, or would an even bigger attack come to destroy us all?  I didn't know.  But I wondered.

So the question most people ask is "where were you?" What they're really asking is "do you still remember every detail of that day more clearly than you do yesterday?" For me, the answer is yes.  I had two toddlers at the time, and basically lived in a state of perpetual exhaustion.  We lived in Harker Heights, TX.  Mike worked at Fort Hood.  I woke up that Tuesday morning and (as I did every day) turned on the TV immediately.  My oldest is autistic and he had his TV routine.  Bear in the Big Blue House was first up, then Elmo, then of course The Price is Right.  It was one minute before 8 AM (central time), and when the TV came on, it was still ABC.  As I reached over to change the channel for Noah, I heard the announcer saying something about a plane crash in NYC, and I flipped back to the channel just to see.  While I stood there watching, thinking how terrible it seemed and hoping they would get everyone out quickly, the 2nd plane hit.  That's not something I will ever forget seeing.  That was the moment my entire world shifted on its axis, everything stopped making sense, and I knew something horrible had happened.  I knew nothing would ever be the same again.  I knew *I* would never be the same again.

I stood in the living room for the longest time.  I couldn't even sit. I just stood there. I don't think I moved for an hour.  The boys just ran circles around me, and the next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor holding them and weeping.  Trying to call Mike, and my friends.  At some point, I made my way to the computer and found some sense of community in an email group I was on, and a messageboard I frequent.  All the while trying to understand, trying to make sense.  Trying to imagine what the world would be like tomorrow, next year, in 10 years.  I didn't know there would be 2 wars to come out of this.  I didn't know that my husband would be looking at his 4th deployment (though I did know he'd be sent SOMEWHERE and that his military life would change drastically).  I didn't know if another attack would come, if we were safe.  If we'd ever feel safe again.

I also didn't imagine that on the 10 year anniversary of that horrible day, that I would be teaching 18 children at church about it.  That we would discuss the country's natural reactions immediately after that day (fear, anger, hate, mistrust, etc).  And that we would be discussing God's word and what He wants US to focus on.  I read them Psalm 46 (same one President Obama shared at the 9/11 tribute today), and we agreed that we need to LOVE one another, love our neighbors  -ALL our neighbors.  That we need to commit to HELPING each other, every day.  We discussed the everyday citizens who were heroes that day.  Of course the military, police, firefighters, medical workers, etc are all heroes we should always give thanks for, but there were people who were just going about their everyday lives, saw a need, and met that need.  That's how we should be ALWAYS. September 11, 2001 put the UNITY in community. And we talked about the JOY we should walk in, every day.  It's not always easy, but it's necessary.

Love, joy, unity, helpfulness - those are the ways we should let ourselves be changed by tragedy.  Bitterness, fear, hate...that just lets the terrorists win.  Let's not ever let them win, let's honor the memories of our dead by living our lives well, and always striving to make this world a better place.

I promised I'd post about my birthday!

So, my birthday was last weekend, and it was GREAT!  Didn't turn out to be anything like I expected, but it was awesome and showed me how great life can be when you throw out "plans" and just make your own fun!

Finances didn't work out in our favor, so the things Mike had planned (like taking me out to my favorite restaurant or getting me a big gift) weren't going to happen.   But I still got gifts.  Mike and Noah got me candy, Nathan got me my favorite Angry Bird, a friend gave me the most unique and awesome bread knife I've ever seen, another friend gave me PERFECT socks, another a PRINCESS CUPPYCAKE SCENTSY WARMER (seriously, could you get more perfect?) and earrings from another. I even got a collection of books from a lady at our church.  Each of those gifts were meaningful and special, as were the birthday cards I received (including one from my grandma, which meant a lot to me, as she's not known for sending them, lol). Tons of well-wishes on facebook and a few text messages and phone calls made me smile, too.

On my actual birthday, after church my friend kidnapped me and took me to Starbucks. After that, we went to Goodwill and put on a hideously hilarious fashion show.  Because I value my life, I am not posting pictures from that here, but I will say we laughed A LOT and drew a bit of a crowd as we modeled the worst things we could find. While we were gone, Mike and the boys cleaned the house - BONUS!  Then we went back to her house and ate burgers and played a game and laughed all night.  It was AWESOME!

The next day (Labor Day), another friend took us out to The Crab Shack for lunch and then we went to the beach. A great time was had by all until the waves attempted to kill me (did you know that if there's a hurricane in the Atlantic that the waves and riptides on the East Coast get stronger and more dangerous? This is good information to have.  I still have "beach rash" down my back).  That evening we cooked out and some other friends came over for game night (I'm addicted to game nights).  As a side note, if you've never played Quelf, you need it.  It's hysterical.

So yeah, that was my birthday weekend.  It was amazing.  I am blessed with wonderful friends and family, and this weekend was just a reminder of that.  I don't need anything fancy or a lot of money spent on me, I just need love and laughter and fun.  Also, I'm not getting anywhere near my scale this week. ;-)

Because I love you all...

...I'm sharing an amazing recipe with you!

My friend Susan brought this dessert to the Court of Honor last week, and it was a HUMONGOUS hit.  Honestly, it's so simple but it's goooooood.  It is NOT gluten-free, low-carb, low-fat, low-sugar, or anything people should eat everyday, but if you want a decadent and delicious dessert, look no further!


Susan's Sopapilla Cheesecake!



Oh yeah, and the boys earned several merit badges & Nathan earned his Tenderfoot rank. Very proud. :)

And if you're wondering about that crazy look on Nathan's face, let's just say he was a bit sugared-up...

Have a great Labor Day weekend, y'all!  I'm sure I'll post again in the next few days (if anything blog-worthy happens on my birthday, that is)!

BACK TO SCHOOL!

Oh happy day, school is back in session!
 
It was a nice summer, but a crazy and chaotic one.  It was fun, but loooonnnngggggg...I swear July lasted a year. Now school is back in and I'm thrilled and excited.  Noah and I will be embarking on a new adventure together, I'm going to be facing some new challenges and responsibilities, and Nathan is already settling into a groove and enjoying the 6th grade.

Nathan is in band again this year, but is going to stay out of chorus this time.  I think this was a mature choice he made, as he was really overwhelmed last year. He's also in the gifted program and doesn't need to push himself too hard right now.  Both boys are also in Scouts and have a lot of responsibilities and activities there, plus they both have bowling league and are involved in a youth ministry.

Noah is in 8th grade now and is officially "homeschooling".  Last year he did K-12, which is a good program but wasn't a good fit for him.  He seems really happy and optimistic with our program, and isn't stressing himself out or getting upset or overwhelmed, which is really what he needs. He really loves that we can do fun activities for P.E., like an hour at the pool or the Wii Fit.   We've also joined a homeschool co-op and I think it's going to be great for both of us.  We meet one day a week, I get to teach one class and help with another one, and Noah gets to take several classes that he's interested in as well.  Also, he is currently a quartermaster in his Scout troop. He's come such a long way, I'm really proud of him.

In addition to teaching at the co-op, I've also become the committee chairperson for our Scout troop, and continue to lead the Mpact Girls ministry at our church. So between that, bowling, homeschooling Noah, babysitting after school every day, and being a full-time college student myself, I think I'm busy enough right now. :)  I'm also going to be joining the PTA at Nathan's school, of course.  I do need to get back on some sort of a cleaning schedule though, my house seems to keep getting completely out of my control!  I also need to learn to take advantage of my "free time" and do some pre-cooking, baking, soaking beans, etc.  Once Noah and I have settled into a good daily routine, I'll be better able to manage my time. 

I have some recipes to share and maybe a few funny stories and photos as well. Hopefully I'll have more time to blog more often!

"Happy Weight" Is Kind Of Depressing

Yes, I know I already blogged this morning. You get a bonus today. Don't get used to it.

I am happy. 
My hubby is home from deployment, we have family time, and I'm happy.
I can tell, 'cause...yeah. I can just tell. 

There's a thing called "happy weight".  When you're really happy and content, you tend to put on a few pounds.  Now I am an emotional eater, so I eat when I'm happy. Or sad. Or depressed. Or angry. Or bored. Or it's a day that ends in "y".  But I digress.

See, when Mike is deployed, I tend to lose weight.  I work hard, eat right, track every morsel I put in my mouth, exercise regularly, and basically do everything in my power to "WOW" him when he comes back home to me.  I really focus on the goal. I lost 50 lbs during his last deployment. 

Then, he's home.  I'm making his favorite foods, we're hanging out together, we're having fun.  I'm not paying attention to the scale, or noticing when my jeans start to get a little snugger.  When I do notice, I ALWAYS blame the dryer...this is a rule. It is always the dryer's fault.

He doesn't care, I know he doesn't.  Sad thing is, I don't, either.  I really don't.  As long as I'm healthy and feeling good and know that I'm eating the right foods (even if I eat a smidge too much here and here), I really don't care about my weight very much.

Until...

Well, I don't spend a lot of time in front of a mirror.  I don't have time, first of all, and second I'm just not all that interested in it.  So sometimes I see a picture of myself and think "wait, do I LOOK LIKE THAT?!"  Because that's not how I remember myself. 

  A few weeks ago, we had some family pictures taken by a local Army wife whose building up her photography business.  I just got the disk yesterday and I have to say, she did beautiful work.  Here's a sampling:

My reaction to these pics went like this:
1) wow, those are really nice shots, I love the way she played with the light
2) I have some VERY handsome fellas in my life!
3) Gosh, I am so glad both my boys have buzz cuts now
4) Man, I am really crazy about Mike, and I think it shows

5) OMG DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT??!!!!!!!

To my credit, at least it wasn't my very first thought.  But it's there.  And now I'm thinking about my weight again.  I'm back to wondering if my top is too tight.  If my butt looks big in those jeans (though, hubby likes the butt, so that makes me feel a little better lol).  If people are looking at me going "man, she used to look so good".  See, over the past year or so, friends and people at church have told me how great I look, how they can really see that I'm losing weight, that I'm "wasting away to nothing" (that's my favorite, since I haven't been anywhere near my ideal weight since 2006, but it was fun to hear that).  So now what are they thinking?  And why do I care?

Does it matter if I have a little extra pudge here and there, if my doctor says I'm healthy and I feel good and know I'm doing the right things?  Does the number on the tag matter if my husband thinks I'm beautiful and sexy?  Does other people's opinions of my weight matter, as long as I know who I am and that I'm a beautiful person on the inside and a child of God?

It shouldn't.  The size of my heart, the size of my smile, the size of my sense of humor, the size of my personality - those should all matter more than the size of my rear end. 

I have so many amazing things in my life to focus on.  I have joy, love, friendship, fun.  Those are all better than worrying about whether or not I have a muffin top.  There are people who need me to be there for them, to be a friend, a teacher, a mom, a wife.  That's where my focus needs to be. 

I know me. If I spend my time focusing on the weight I've gained, I'm going to beat myself up for letting all that hard work go to waste.  I'll start the negative self-talk, and then I'll emotionally eat.  And I'll be depressed, and angry with myself, and then I'll be crabby with the people who need me.  Who does that help?

I'm not giving myself permission to eat a lot of junk, to sit around and watch TV all day, or to just completely give up.  Being healthy is very important to me, a lot of junk food makes me feel terrible, and sitting around all day is BORING.  I know that I need more veggies and less chocolate.  I know I should take more walks.  I know that having a milkshake for dinner needs to be a rare treat, not a regular dietary choice.

But today I am choosing to accept my "happy weight" - and to be grateful that my husband is home safe, to be in the moment and focus on the things that really matter, and to be thankful that I'm in such a wonderful place in my life to have the problem of "happy weight".

How I Spent My Summer "Vacation"...

This week, my husband and sons have been gone to Scout camp.  People keep asking me how I'm enjoying my "vacation".  Truth is, I'm not sure I know how to take one! Oh sure, I talked big about all the stuff I was gonna do (go to the movies by myself, clean and organize the whole house, take 2 hour long baths, go shopping all by myself, catch up on MY shows on the DVR, etc).  Big plans!

Yeah, I haven't watched a single show on my DVR this week.  I HAVE just about conquered Mt. St. Laundry, but that's all the housework I've done.  I've babysat everyday this week, 4 boys under 10, but none of them are mine and all of them are gone by dinnertime! And I've gone to my friend's house to watch Firefly most evenings this week (yeah, that show is NEVER gonna get old).   I never made it to the store.  I still taught at church Wednesday night, I still took care of the dogs and the cats, and I even took a few minutes to try my hand at "advice columnist"! Ironically, that is all about taking time for yourself and taking a break sometimes. Whoops.

I just can't stand to be bored.  I think that's why I have a pathological need to bite off more than I can chew. I do it with school, work, big projects around the house, etc.  I feel like I'm being lazy and useless if I sit around and do nothing.  And there's a time for being lazy and useless, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't stand doing a whole week of it. I've had a few little "wins" - I've stubbornly refused to bake anything or cook dinner at all this week (been too hot anyway), one night I had a milkshake for dinner(!), I've stayed up as late as I wanted (and paid for it the next morning, but oh well), and I've drank as much coffee as I feel like without having to share the pot.  So I guess I've acted like your average college kid this week.

Next week, things will be "back to normal".  My boys will be here to bicker and argue.  I'll have 6 boys to entertain and moderate.  I'll have to make sure dinner is made and on the table at a certain time, and I won't be able to hang at my friend's house until 1 AM.  The laundry will pile back up again and I'll be grossed out by the bathroom within minutes of their arrival.  I'll go back to counting down the days until school starts.  I'll be planning my youngest son's birthday party and spend my evenings catching up on Falling Skies and So You Think You Can Dance with my hubby, because I've discovered that watching my shows with him is much more fun than doing it alone.  I'll be back to being "me" next week, so I guess you could say I HAVE had a vacation this week, from my normal "real life"...it just didn't go the way I planned - and really, what vacation ever goes as planned?




If you don't have this show, you need it.  
That is all.

Ahhhh, gotta love summer!

Ahhhhhh summertime.  Evening thunderstorms, day trips to the beach (complete with jellyfish stings), visits from loved ones, blockbuster movies, and about 100 other reasons to completely ignore one's blog.  :)

So what have we been up to? My family has been REALLY busy since school let out, as are most other families, I'm sure.  So far it's been a terrific summer for us (even with my 12 year old finding the business end of a jellyfish), full of fun times with friends and family. The busyness is not going to let up any time soon, as my boys are getting ready to leave for Scout camp and I will start a new (full time) babysitting job next week.  And I've only got a little over a month before I have to start thinking about school again - Nathan will be going back to his public school, I will return to my online college and will be homeschooling Noah (I sure hope I can remember 8th grade math)!  I wanted to touch base here though and update a few things.

Sadly, after a lot of prayer and tears, we had to surrender my Altman bulldog, Petey.  He was too much for our family, and too rough on my boys.  It was hard to let him go, but probably easier than getting rid of the children.  I do not consider animals to be disposable, and I do not take letting animals go lightly, so this was a very difficult decision for me. I did face some criticism from people who don't even know me, those who DO know me know it broke my heart. 

In other news, I have been letting my kids "cheat" and have gluten-based products this month.  It's an interesting experiment, and a sort of necessary one since with camp and such it's difficult to monitor or control everything they eat.  Obviously if they had celiac I would be far more strict, but they don't and it's been a personal choice to go gluten-free and try to take them off meds or at least reduce them.  In Nathan, I've seen more "hyperness" but not really any other changes.  In Noah, I can't really describe what I've seen other than to say that he seems "more autistic" than he does when he sticks to the plan.  Also, it's worth noting that he has mentioned several times "not feeling well" after eating things off his diet.  So if this experiment has shown me anything, it's that going gluten-free was a good choice for my family.  When they return from camp, we'll be going back to it completely.  In the meantime, I've chosen to remain GF except for rare exceptions.  This is because it's just not really worth it to me to feel lousy and be in pain for a couple of days when I have other options.   In that same vein, I'm excited to try out a bunch of new recipes and products. As always, I'm happy to share what I like, so be on the look out!

I've stopped going to physical therapy for my shoulder.  We'd gone as far as we could with it, and all the exercises I was doing I could do at home.  It's really just about pain management at this point, since the ortho has no intention of fixing it and I'm honestly too busy to seek out a second opinion.  However, I have STARTED going to physical therapy (the same dr) for my neck.  It was injured at the same time as my shoulder (back in October 2010), but I could never get anyone to do anything about it til now.  Some of the problem is irreparable (it's very very straight, no curve), but we are working on stretching and strengthening the muscles and that will hopefully reduce the pain, stiffness, and limited mobility that I've been living with.

Ohhhh, there are probably a dozen other things I could write about. I should really start keeping a notepad handy for when I have the the thought "I should blog this!" because right now I can't remember any of them! This is already pretty long though, and I really SHOULD be packing my kids' clothes, so I'll end this now and promise to NOT wait another month before I blog again. :)