Specifically, why do I keep sabotaging myself?
I know that since going gluten-free, I've done my body a lot of good. I have seen differences in my boys, too, but just speaking for myself I know it's been amazing. I have felt better in the past few months than I have in years. I've gotten off all my prescription meds and have had more energy and less achy-ness than I've had since I was 18. I KNOW that eating right and exercising regularly helps, and I know that making the choice to eat natural and gluten free had helped me tremendously.
So, why do I cheat on the diet? Is it because I know it won't KILL me? I think it is. I know my life doesn't depend on my sticking to it, so my willpower isn't as strong as it needs to be. I make excuses in my head like "oh, it's just this once...", or "well, it's a special occasion"... or (my favorite) "I've already blown it for this week, so might as well." And I don't think about the consequences. I don't think about the fact that I am gonna pay for it later. Yes, that slice of "real pizza" is so tempting, but it'll take me 2-3 minutes to eat it. It's going to take me 2 or 3 DAYS to stop hurting all over and feeling like I'm in a half-asleep fog.
Sometimes it's that the food is good, and it's been awhile, and I just want it. Sometimes, I just can't say no to my family or friends. Sometimes I don't want people making a fuss or making "special food" for me, so I keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I'm just lazy, or tired from a busy day, and grabbing a pizza or a burger is sooo much easier than going home and cooking something. But whatever my reason/excuse/justification might be, the fact is that the only one it hurts is ME. A few days of fun and "pigging out" has its consequences.
Right now I'm fighting my way through one of the worst fibro flares I've had all year. I'm so sleepy and my joints all ache. I feel heavy and bloated and disconnected. I can't concentrate on anything, and just all over don't feel good. And I know why. I know it's because it was my birthday and I went crazy. Then it was my friend's birthday and I went crazy again. And it all made sense in my mind. It still does, I just wanted to have "fun" and be like a regular person. And it sure did make my family happy to get to eat whatever they wanted. But now I am paying for it. I can only blame myself - I'm an adult and I can certainly say no. Is it worth it? I don't really know. Right now it doesn't feel like it is, but I know myself and I know the next time a special occasion comes up, I'm going to be just as likely to say "okay, just this once."
I don't know what it's going to take for me to decide that "just this once" is one time too many.